looking back

throughout these past 2 years, i realise i changed alot. Used to be that type of person who always would do his best to look out for himself. Never once did i ever have the obligation to rush to a friend's aid when they were in need.Never felt the need to explain my actions and always thought i could be those type of person capable of manipulating stuff.Then i realised that i was never meant to be a mean little thing after being in the company of my friends.I started to look out for everyone.Soon i was also able to tell if anything was wrong just by greeting the person or would always have this empty feeling if something was wrong.Got determined to be the friend who was always there to lend a shoulder to cry on.That was both my downfall as well as the only thing that raised me up.I got closer to so many people and for once felt like part of something and not an outcast which was just spat out of hell. However i got blinded by emotions too.

I guess during tmt all of us were just tired and depressed that the only thing we did was compare what each other did and label each other names i do not want to mention.It brought about the worst in us and i guess thats what made us break apart.soon beacause of all the pointing of fingers we lost ragu as a friend and i guess that was just inevitable and i wish i could just turn back time to prevent all this politics from happening.I also started feeling alot of pain when i lost friends one by one and trust me that is not a good feeling.I guess i have been a hypocrite sometimes and have never told you fellas some stuff that i was going through some due to not trusting and others due to the fact that i felt alot of my fears were quite stupid and that i would be mistaken.There are some stuff that i should have said to my friends during our last day in school but i guess pride stayed my hand.After the recent developments i think yea it may be the time to open up abit and step down from the damm pedastal.i guess i treasure my friends alot to the extent that i see so many of them as my kindred rather than just some other person you will meet down the street.I'm not the all perfect cold bugger that i have been trying to make an impression on you fellas.i guess im going to miss all of you guys terribly at that fact. from mei fungs innocene at everything to premilas down right bitchyness.I know im full of error but yea most of the time my intentions are good i guess.went through quite abit of shit just to understand that i treasure my friends and the memory of those who are not friends anymore. They tried to be always there for me,accept me for who i am and not even thinking twice about their decision when the shit hits the fan.I think i would also like to thank most of my teachers for putting up with my tonne of bull shit some even pulled out through and were there for me like ms ye when i need them the most.

tamil results and my right hand

alright its been quite a while since i blogged and i guess now its quite a good time to start the ball rolling again. the year thus far has been quite eventful what with TMT and all its politics.well now its over and those lifeless vermins who are still dwelling in finding ways to put down ics can go get lost i have got more important things to worry about like my A levels.got back my tamil result and it was a D got quite disappointed and was thinking wheather anot to retake and was talking to keerthani about this then after a small chat with nurul.i realised that my priority shouldnt be with me going to going to retake the paper cause of my friends but it should be cause i think i can acheive better results if i retake and i wont regret making that decision as i would have known i gave it my all.

so anyway after my economics lecture went out with nurul for a while just to eat cause i was feeling very confused about the whole retaking issue but no worries all the problems are solved and i will repeat the mother tongue paper for better or for worse.then we had a very scrumptous and unhealthy lunch at macdonalds and it was raining so heavily idiot didnt want to use my umbrella and insulted me sissy cause i had an umbrella umph!!!. then we took the bus and on the way we were just watching the lightning strike here and there it was super amusing watchin nurul cover her ears everytime lightning striked haha. then im not sure how it started but we started cam whoring in the bus haha there was this guy infront of us who kept on turning behind wondering what the hell were we up to. we were actually making that much of noise haha.later we had a little talk about the stuff that was going on in our lives especially mine.haha gal i seriously dont know what i would do without you.you are literally like my right hand ever since i stepped foot in SA lah always there when i needed you.from the old oreinteering group days to pw days and now in this very final lap.

someone is digging for gold

me wif shadesblind nuruldont askanother oneone of the proper ones

alright its been quite a while since i blogged and i guess now its quite a good time to start the ball rolling again. the year thus far has been quite eventful what with TMT and all its politics.well now its over and those lifeless vermins who are still dwelling in finding ways to put down ics can go get lost i have got more important things to worry about like my A levels.got back my tamil result and it was a D got quite disappointed and was thinking wheather anot to retake and was talking to keerthani about this then after a small chat with nurul.i realised that my priority shouldnt be with me going to going to retake the paper cause of my friends but it should be cause i think i can acheive better results if i retake and i wont regret making that decision as i would have known i gave it my all.

so anyway after my economics lecture went out with nurul for a while just to eat cause i was feeling very confused about the whole retaking issue but no worries all the problems are solved and i will repeat the mother tongue paper for better or for worse.then we had a very scrumptous and unhealthy lunch at macdonalds and it was raining so heavily idiot didnt want to use my umbrella and insulted me sissy cause i had an umbrella umph!!!. then we took the bus and on the way we were just watching the lightning strike here and there it was super amusing watchin nurul cover her ears everytime lightning striked haha. then im not sure how it started but we started cam whoring in the bus haha there was this guy infront of us who kept on turning behind wondering what the hell were we up to. we were actually making that much of noise haha.later we had a little talk about the stuff that was going on in our lives especially mine.haha gal i seriously dont know what i would do without you.you are literally like my right hand ever since i stepped foot in SA lah always there when i needed you.from the old oreinteering group days to pw days and now in this very final lap.

someone is digging for gold

me wif shadesblind nuruldont askanother oneone of the proper ones

past year memories

the past year wasnt technically a smooth and pleasurable journey but at least i enjoyed myself and am now here looking on into the horizon of the incoming year.now at last all of the masks have fallen away.the strings of the puppets have become visible and the hands of the prime mover exposed.now once again i taste that same bitter taste of the terrible illusion that i always have every year ... hope.

lets see at the start of the year i went to SRJC wondering why the hell was i sent to such a school.i remember the first day i was a super intovert just sticking to myself watching and absorbing everything calculating all the risks and advantages into making alliances before i made them but somehow things didnt go as i planned and soon i was making friends with everyone out of which the closest ones were vanessa, jia ying ,my brother andrew,eunice and nisha.but as it was written in the book of fate we walked on different paths and sepearated occasionally meeting but that soon stopped as the stress of jc life pressured me more and more.

after my SRJC day i found myself in SAJC the same feeling the same way as i did before , alone and friendless but i guess my experience in srjc softened me and i started trusting people faster which was both an advantage and a disadvantage in some matters but i shall not pursue them any futher. then came the choosing of cca when i was all out and hoping to enter council went through interview but however once again fate came into the picture and made sure i wasnt able to get what i wanted.then cause most of my friends joined ics so i joined it to spend time with them. thus the year went by filled with troubles, fears and huge waves of happiness well as the saying goes wadever that has happened in the past has occured for the best, wadever that is happening in the present is occcuring for the best and wadever that will occur in future will also occur for the best.thats about it for now this is the nightwolf signing out.

wrote something just for fu hope u all enjoy
Memories of youHaunt me every day
A never healing wound
And nothing left to say
I die a little every day,
I die a little anyway
For the memories,
for Hell inside of me
No true emotions
No true regrets
No true devotion can live off bitterness
My hollow inside
My hollow heart
My restless soul is longing to depart
Come surround me with your grace
Wash away my deep disgrace
Take me in to your sweet embrace
Where I can live in sin
I die a little anyway,
I die a little every day
For the memories,
for Hell inside of me
No true emotions in my hollow heart

and due to the amazing powers of influence boredom had on me i decided to do a survey i found on ragus blog
What Time is it now? 10.00pm
What is your full name?karthikeyan s/o A sadhananthan
Single or taken? single
What does your name mean? it was the name of a warlord.reddemer of the celestial being [devas] from a demon
Who picked your name? aunt
What's your nickname? i got lots
shadow,[chalits class]
secret weapon [srjc war games]
kaya [platoon mates]
nightwolf
lord nayekihtrak[sec 3 sec 4 nickname]
steeldragonboy[sec1 sec2]
karthi[practically all chinese people who come into my life]
boy[selected cousins]
appu[granny]
the beast[4E1]
deathknight[secondary school guys again cause i was sparring akido using a metal bar]
How old are you? 17
What color are your eyes? either dark brown or dark green im not sure im colour blind rmb
you have an innie or an outie? innie arnd new friends a major outie arnd old friends
What size are your shoes? 13 or 14 im bigfoot
How tall (or short)? 178
Honestly what do you like about yourself?the ability to get up after i had been driven into the ground.
What do you always get complimented on? foresight, the ability to judge people for what they are after being around them for a while, my judgement, my ability to crap and confuse my teachers just for fun. in fact my ability to crap
Phone Number? i dont think i have to put this up
haircolor? Black
Do you wear contacts? no
Living Arrangements? Parents and an elder brother younger brother and granny
*FAVORITES*~
Favorite Drinks? milo milkshake,milkshake, milo dinosaur, chocolate milk
Favorite alcoholic Drink? I don't and won't consume alcohols
Favorite month? november
Favorite fruit? papaya
Favourite Board Game? monopoly
Favorite Web Site?you tube
Favorite animal? the dragon
Do you have more girl or boy friends? i have no idea too many to count
Who's your bestfriend(s)?
Are your parents together? Yes
How often do you get together with the family? everyone is just at home
Anything special about your parents? my dad is a childish nut who is strict and firm abit contradicting ah
Siblings?two
~*YES OR NO*~
You're a flirt? no most of the time shy guy u noe
You're slutty? No!!
You're anorexic? No
You can keep secrets? Yea
You dance in front of the mirror? when im hanging wif my guy friends
Do you sing in the shower? once in a while
Do You Like Your Cousins? duh is that a trick question or something
You've been in a bathroom?no i have been in wad they call a toilet
You've seriously hurt someone? nope dont think so
You've been hurt seriously? yea but if it was that serious i wouldnt have got up right what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger
You curse? in secondary school one word every three sentences but now more refined
You get your way? when im in a highly manipulative mood but lately i have been giving in alot
You're willing to try new things? yea
You've cheated on a test? would finding out that someone copied your paper be considered cheating?
You've smoked? depends on what type of smoke ciggerate smoke no
~*RIGHT NOW*~
What color are your pants? blue
What are you listening to?they will return by kalmah
How are you feeling? screwed, bored, fucked up, sad and uncertain but in someway enlightened
What are you doing? drawing,listening to music,playing rakion and a bunch of other stuff
What are you eating? nothing
How many people are online? 66
How's the weather? It's stop raining
What books are you reading? none
~*OTHER QUESTIONS*~
What was the last movie you saw?english movie
What did u eat for dinner? rice and other indian side dishes
What are you hoping for? world peace ...yea right... i guess is for me to fit into something somewhere and not be treated like an outsider most of the time
Have you ever fallen asleep in school? yea got screwed by rajagopal for that one
What movie do you really want to see? Eragon and death note 2
What is your locker combo? nope
Where is your favorite place to travel? utophia
What did you last dream about? a demon lifting me up and ripping my heart out and swallowing it
What was the last thing you ate? didnt we already do this one
If you were a crayon what color would you be?blue or red
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? hamidah
Do you hate anyone? dislike alot but do not hate i have an over forgiving nature
Ever had a crush on a teacher? Nope
Are you too shy to ask someone out? maybe maybe not
.
Scary movies or happy endings? scary movie
Summer or winter? Winter
Relationships or one night stands? relationships
Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate
What did you do last night? do you seriously wanna know

judgement

i always thought my sense of judgement was very good ever since secondary school where i took alot of decisions by myself from those whom i mix with to the decisions i make when i had to deal with a tricky situation.normally i would think about the advantages and disadvantages to any alliance i make however this whole year was just filled with bad judgement. i should have never just blindly entered into a friendship with anyone should have thought about everything. i realised i changed alot ever since i entered jc. y does my heart yearn for friendship all of a sudden when i have been so used to working alone. i guess im losing my touch well as the saying goes once bitten twice shy this mistake will not repeat again the old me is gonna come back...haha..was being an idiot the whole year thinking that stuff will work out even though i foresaw alot of problems in almost every single freindship i had y issit when im happy just for a while something happens that casts me back into the shadows of angst.y cant people around me be more plain and too the point saying out there intentions straight to my face first before extanding a hand in friendship with me and untop of that being appretiated in something which i had been working so hard on sacrificin everything i liked to do in to it. well at least im not broken as another saying goes what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.oh boy i can promise this a new player will eneter in those mind games which people think are playing on me the pawn will become the messiah once more.thats all for now this is karthik signing out

Utophia

sometimes i wish i could retreat somewhere and turn my back on the world to go live on the mountains in a cabin where i can just watch and admire the eagles soaring through the skies. to live near a forest with the refreshing fragrance of the pine trees relaxing your mind while i lie on the ground near a lake filled with pure sparkling water enjoying life as only a man reprieved from a terrible death sentence can enjoy life. but since i know that i can never live in that utophian land i guess i have to come back down to earth now. i havent blogged for like the past two weeks was due to the various shit that happened to me such as being betrayed by a brother, being cast down, being grounded, framed, wondering why i hald become very cold and loads of other shit that made me just pissed with the world and its hypocrisy which had dammed me. Then came the ICS problem and i guess that was the spark that kinda caused all the rage welled up to come out and those guys who were just at the wrong place at the wrong time got it big time and i think our president jacintha got most of the attitude.Since i am no fool to blame fate for this tide of events i guess i have to apologize to everyone for my immature behaviour yesterday which was not honorable in any way.But however i guess part of my decision still stays i wont dance for the second song due to manpower problems and also due to my dislike of the song but i guess i will do my best to get more guys for the other song. on a lighter note i just finished watching deathnote on youtube and boy is the storyline good i would recommend the movie to anyone who hasnt watched it.well i guess thats about it for today this is the nightwolf signing out.

hanging out

k today was like another boring day of my life.going to school doing dance and becoming super tired but somehow today that whole routine was different.w just had practice until 11 am cause everything happened so fast and so smoothly.then we talked crap and cam whored all the way until 11.30 then me and darshini decided to go to mustafa to buy all our remaining clothings on the way we met pratap who was NYJC ex ics president and an ex NCC land cadet.i tell you that guy is a major joker we just clicked together and was joking through out the whole time.after shopping at mustafa we went to far east plaza where we met up wif jowy and nurul to do more shopping.we walked around that wretched place so long my feet were aching but darshini like got some magic was never tired..haha...well maybe is a guy thing or i was just lethargic today anyway thats all for now this is the nightwolf signing out.
louissa wearing my officers caphey look at the floorjowy is super style lahdarshini my beret is not a chef's hat
dont ask what im doing i dont know
the cap gang in shadow
cap gang in the light
put your hands high up in the air and flip about like you just dont care
its super fun watching them dance
1, 2, 3 heave!!!!!
this sounds weird karthikeyan and hamidah
logan, thinesh, darshini karthikeyan [it still sounds weird]
argh!!!! the light
not bad sia we both look quite photogenic